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Fic: I Hate my Job
Universe: Prime AU
Characters: Starscream, Megatron, Optimus Prime
Rating: T for crack
Warnings: Starscream being cracktastic
Disclaimer: I claim nothing but my own poor writing and ideas. Takes place during "Partners" but is really not a continuity 'cuz it don't end/even pretend to be the same way. "I Hate my Job" is by JbDubs. You should go watch it. :D
Starscream was pissed. Not unusual, considering that he was surrounded by incompetent mecha and loyalists who had no view of the future, but truly, this was the end of the line.
I hate my boss
I hate my coworkers
I hate my job
I hate my boss
I hate my coworkers
I hate my job
I hate my boss
I hate my coworkers
I hate my job
Hate my job
Hate my job
Hate my job
Hate my job
The utter failure rate of missions, which was not always his fault thank you very much, was possibly one of the most dismal percentages he had ever happened upon in his life.
Starscream had knowledge that would help Megatron if he wasn't such a suborn fragging glitch! But no, he cared not one minutia for science beyond what was immediately affecting him.
Then, of course, were the LOVELY working conditions. Oh sure, now they had enough energon that they weren't graying around the edges of their plating, but after the last haul Megatron hadn't started looking for another well NOR had he instigated any kind of rationing program for his troops.
So again, they would be starving before long.
For a moment he almost felt sorry for the other officers. Almost.
Knockout was attractive enough, Megatron was sure to go to him sooner or later, and Starscream was sure that Black Arachnid had already graced their illustrious leader's berth. Soundwave and Shockwave were harder to gauge, but he couldn't see either of them refusing their lord and master should he command.
Starscream was a different breed, however. Seekers did not play at pleasure like common pleasure bots, and Megatron certainly had no real knowledge of a flyer's systems beyond what his own bastardized mods and refits had brought him.
That mattered little to Megatron, who routinely groped and 'caressed' Starscream whenever they were in proximity.
As I walk by I get a pat on the fanny fanny
Don't look at me like I'm a two dollar tranny tranny
I'll staple your tie to your eyes
Better think again next time
You wanna survey my behind
In fact, as Starscream stared down from the web he was currently trapped in at a smirking Black Arachnid, one might think that this was a blessing in disguise. She would leave him here, yes, but when he got free?
For a brief moment he wondered if the Autobots had a union. Surely their working conditions weren't nearly as volatile or demeaning as the Decepticon's were.
Of course, they also had this… thing against violence, so he supposed it evened out in the end.
Oh OSHA gonna call on you tonight
Oh OSHA gonna make you serve time
'Cause you an occupational hazard to - n - n - n - night
'Cause you an occupational hazard to - n - n - n - night
Voices began to filter through the hallways and Starscream recognized the leader of the Autobot forces voice. It was only a short time before they were standing below him, mouths open in shock as they gazed at the Decepticon second in command webbed to the ceiling.
"Do you plan on staring all day? I'm sure I can think of a thousand better things for you to do."
Sheesh. The only one even remotely good looking of the lot of them was the Prime. At least the Decepticons took care of themselves, not like the shabby crew in front of him all scratched and dirty. Knockout would have a fit if he'd had to work on them.
Not that Knockout WOULD work on them, but whatever, semantics.
So I'm a regulation hottie you a Star Wars yeti
If I am Wilhelmina then you are Ugly Betty
I'll put your fingers in a paper shredder
you know better than to creep on me
creep on me
creep on
creep on me
creep on me
creep
The medic, Hatchet or something, had cut him down and placed him in stasis cuffs. His silent smile clearly unnerving the whole lot of them.
"You will be our prisoner, Starscream, until we can figure out what to do with you."
Starscream's smile only grew.
"Oh Prime, I have many things that I believe you can do with me. Although I'm sure your little flunkies would not approve."
Bulkhead growled, but Arcee choked back what sounded suspiciously like a laugh and Starscream had a sudden idea. After all, Megatron had abandoned and humiliated him enough times before…
Knock knock
On the door door
Say Hey Hey
To my boss boss
Give my two weeks
Peace out freaks
Peace out freaks
Peace out freaks
Knock knock
On the door door
Say Hey Hey
To my boss boss
Give my two weeks
Peace out freaks
Peace out freaks
Peace out freaks
"I'll give you a deal Autobots. I give you information on what exactly I was doing here and you let me become one of you. I'm sure the healthcare alone is benefit enough to make up for what I'll lose."
Optimus gave Starscream his full attention even as his team clamored in the background.
"It will be probationary until we can trust you, of course."
Starscream smiled almost beatifically, pulling from Ratchet to sidle up to the red and blue Prime.
"Prime, I am sure that over the course of my probationary period that I will prove to you how useful I can be."
He was satisfied with the look of intrigue and intent that came back to him from the Autobot leader.
Oh yes. Megatron would pay for his idiocy.
And if Starscream had to spend time in the berth with the admittedly good looking Optimus Prime to do so, he could hardly complain.
'Cause you an occupational hazard
to - n - n - n - night
no subject
no subject
no subject
no subject