PLEA FOR HELP! :D

[camfield]

Okay!  So I had an Editor/Publisher who wants to look at samples of my work and I want to use 'Wake up Call' as one of those pieces.

It needs... well work.  I would forever love it if someone would be willing to do a beta read, or even just give me some feedback on what needs to be changed for this. 

Please!  5 minutes of your time would make me a happy panda!  :D